I think I had to get back to the Black Sea at this point in my life. I left University feeling very cynical about academia. Like everything had been done before and it was only on the good grace of those who held the Thesis time, that you would sink or swim - depending on how much you were willing to sacrifice of yourself in order to get it. I know its competitive 'out there', but there were two apparent strands to my First Degree as if something was pulling me away from the central hub. I did not agree with the way that was and perhaps that was my challenge to go headstrong into it and set about the changes that were so needed. I later found that it really only came down to two people and one of them was not qualified at all. I already had letters after my name before I even stepped foot ...I know the difference between bullying to get information and doing the right thing. Its like good cop/bad cop - in my opinion bad cops always want to take down good cops; they try to get them to loose their way in the entanglement of it all and it is done explicitly for the circle around as if to set an example of what happens when you step out of line - that's the Disciplinarianism in its Totality. Yet for the 'vicitim' as they see it, or Good Cop, it is implied, but always denied: its a game to them. The world does not need another 'dirty' social scientist scraping money from the bottom of the pit, ripping off other inspiring academic minds. There are enough of them out there already. The problem lies in training and skills: first you buy in, then you move forwards. But for the aspiring good scientist it is a struggle - more than a bargin and less than hellish. Social Vision is a luxury afforded if you are willing to see their way, wallow in the filth and forget. I was not so willing. Having 'that' to contend with, my initial reaction was to put up a Front...but the world does not need Fronts, it needs people who can understand and interpret what it is they see. Yet, to my absolute horror, that was the what is failing; in setting new/good/clear/concise authorialship in Eastern European studies because it is 'eastern'. Firstly its not like the West, its confused about the EU and it feels it has to sell more and more of itself off to cover what was lost in the first place. Reading methodologies showed me that. But the fundamental problems runs deeper than what we see on the surface of the academic system. It opens doors to unprofessional competitivness, predator-rings and lying. And I understood 'that' very early in the programme. How much good academic work is stolen and rewritten... Ripped off? But even at that level, it runs deeper and is much more epidemic of mentality, because the cause is far greater - it is a power struggle and the Gate Keepers are not fit for purpose because they are appeasing their own situation to stay in power and they do not have that authorialship. The problem thus is this. I found a massive shortfall in the information provided and the information in circulation in the West. My professional judgement was to get that 'out'- but im not a journalist, wherein the root problem was in the receiver end of the message not from the source. It was deceptive. At the end of the day I felt that my academic superiors were not interested in the slightest about the truth of the matter, they set their own factual levels and they set the precedence for that because it would rock the boat, shake the very foundations of their own already bogged down, disinterested lives. That is not what ethnography is about. What i am saying, then is that there are good social scientist and bad social scientists and they are warring among themselves whilst social justice goes unchecked. Where are the balances in running a corrupt 'ring'? That needs to stop but in order to do so, people need to be prepared to to loose a little - which by nature they are not so willing, and so it comes down to the root of all evil: money that holds up the house of cards. I did not loose my way, but i had a relentless struggle in my life to understand the fundamental truth of life - there are good people and there are bad people in all professions and neither the twain shall meet, mix nor converge unless there is a lesson to be learned. In the aftermath I am not cynical, tired or worn out, I just challenged for the truth; people wanted to talk and i wanted to listen, I brought that back home, and I wrote about it with as much academic and literal clarity as was afforded to me by other academics also tired of the monopoloy. The shock was this, there were limits to how much I could say, I was censored because I wouldn't comply with bad social science. The lesson was thus this - filith proliferates and it is a weapon of mass social injustice - how many others where there before me who struggled and who gave up the fight? Not this time ... I wouldn't give in to petty, financial and frankly evasive abuse but then I don't need the power. That takes skill and a cool head when the Heat is on you and it comes to attack several aspects of your life at once - just to make sure that it really does break you down, slow your steps. But here is the lesson: the demagog is simply that - a janus faced mechanism of an even deeper filth. In God I trust and in my right to remember who I was and who I am now and I can share that knowledge. Because these people do not mess around...they are aggressive and all consuming and they will suck out the very soul out from you. Being a good scientist is a gift and the gift of the matter is to protect and develop in partnership with one another but stealing is a crime and there has been enough 'trafficking' already. But it is also about knowing when you are banging your head against the Wall and well, we all know it still exists in a more permeable way. How can we make progress with our beloved lands when there are so called academic hyenas and vultures ripping slices of the 'meat' off at the Centres of education? It takes strength and we are being tested. And I do believe that this monopoly is the cause poverty and abuse, socially but that is our ascension to say no we are not going put up with your filth anymore. We all know what it is like to be under pressure but to be moving through it from left and right from above that shifts our consciousness. What is pressure, poverty socially? A red heat that bears in on us and if so why do we feel and know it? Because there is more to our experience consciously in the world. I pushed for semiology - seeing the sign knowing how to read it and making our choices accordingly.
Thursday, 23 May 2013
Life Change be ye nemisis
I think I had to get back to the Black Sea at this point in my life. I left University feeling very cynical about academia. Like everything had been done before and it was only on the good grace of those who held the Thesis time, that you would sink or swim - depending on how much you were willing to sacrifice of yourself in order to get it. I know its competitive 'out there', but there were two apparent strands to my First Degree as if something was pulling me away from the central hub. I did not agree with the way that was and perhaps that was my challenge to go headstrong into it and set about the changes that were so needed. I later found that it really only came down to two people and one of them was not qualified at all. I already had letters after my name before I even stepped foot ...I know the difference between bullying to get information and doing the right thing. Its like good cop/bad cop - in my opinion bad cops always want to take down good cops; they try to get them to loose their way in the entanglement of it all and it is done explicitly for the circle around as if to set an example of what happens when you step out of line - that's the Disciplinarianism in its Totality. Yet for the 'vicitim' as they see it, or Good Cop, it is implied, but always denied: its a game to them. The world does not need another 'dirty' social scientist scraping money from the bottom of the pit, ripping off other inspiring academic minds. There are enough of them out there already. The problem lies in training and skills: first you buy in, then you move forwards. But for the aspiring good scientist it is a struggle - more than a bargin and less than hellish. Social Vision is a luxury afforded if you are willing to see their way, wallow in the filth and forget. I was not so willing. Having 'that' to contend with, my initial reaction was to put up a Front...but the world does not need Fronts, it needs people who can understand and interpret what it is they see. Yet, to my absolute horror, that was the what is failing; in setting new/good/clear/concise authorialship in Eastern European studies because it is 'eastern'. Firstly its not like the West, its confused about the EU and it feels it has to sell more and more of itself off to cover what was lost in the first place. Reading methodologies showed me that. But the fundamental problems runs deeper than what we see on the surface of the academic system. It opens doors to unprofessional competitivness, predator-rings and lying. And I understood 'that' very early in the programme. How much good academic work is stolen and rewritten... Ripped off? But even at that level, it runs deeper and is much more epidemic of mentality, because the cause is far greater - it is a power struggle and the Gate Keepers are not fit for purpose because they are appeasing their own situation to stay in power and they do not have that authorialship. The problem thus is this. I found a massive shortfall in the information provided and the information in circulation in the West. My professional judgement was to get that 'out'- but im not a journalist, wherein the root problem was in the receiver end of the message not from the source. It was deceptive. At the end of the day I felt that my academic superiors were not interested in the slightest about the truth of the matter, they set their own factual levels and they set the precedence for that because it would rock the boat, shake the very foundations of their own already bogged down, disinterested lives. That is not what ethnography is about. What i am saying, then is that there are good social scientist and bad social scientists and they are warring among themselves whilst social justice goes unchecked. Where are the balances in running a corrupt 'ring'? That needs to stop but in order to do so, people need to be prepared to to loose a little - which by nature they are not so willing, and so it comes down to the root of all evil: money that holds up the house of cards. I did not loose my way, but i had a relentless struggle in my life to understand the fundamental truth of life - there are good people and there are bad people in all professions and neither the twain shall meet, mix nor converge unless there is a lesson to be learned. In the aftermath I am not cynical, tired or worn out, I just challenged for the truth; people wanted to talk and i wanted to listen, I brought that back home, and I wrote about it with as much academic and literal clarity as was afforded to me by other academics also tired of the monopoloy. The shock was this, there were limits to how much I could say, I was censored because I wouldn't comply with bad social science. The lesson was thus this - filith proliferates and it is a weapon of mass social injustice - how many others where there before me who struggled and who gave up the fight? Not this time ... I wouldn't give in to petty, financial and frankly evasive abuse but then I don't need the power. That takes skill and a cool head when the Heat is on you and it comes to attack several aspects of your life at once - just to make sure that it really does break you down, slow your steps. But here is the lesson: the demagog is simply that - a janus faced mechanism of an even deeper filth. In God I trust and in my right to remember who I was and who I am now and I can share that knowledge. Because these people do not mess around...they are aggressive and all consuming and they will suck out the very soul out from you. Being a good scientist is a gift and the gift of the matter is to protect and develop in partnership with one another but stealing is a crime and there has been enough 'trafficking' already. But it is also about knowing when you are banging your head against the Wall and well, we all know it still exists in a more permeable way. How can we make progress with our beloved lands when there are so called academic hyenas and vultures ripping slices of the 'meat' off at the Centres of education? It takes strength and we are being tested. And I do believe that this monopoly is the cause poverty and abuse, socially but that is our ascension to say no we are not going put up with your filth anymore. We all know what it is like to be under pressure but to be moving through it from left and right from above that shifts our consciousness. What is pressure, poverty socially? A red heat that bears in on us and if so why do we feel and know it? Because there is more to our experience consciously in the world. I pushed for semiology - seeing the sign knowing how to read it and making our choices accordingly.
Along the Golden Sands beach Front
my favourite baazar shop
the local pancake stall
my favourite rose shop
Varna Cathedral
Friday, 10 May 2013
worn out
I think i'd hit a mid-life crisis when I graduated from class of 2012, CEES, University of Glasgow.
I don't even know why I went,
In the End. I guess something was drawing me there...
I can remember spending hrs just walking Kelvin Grove Park around the Parade; it was like 1870 for me, First Year Art History...the Renaissance, The Romantics, I was just a baby, then. I knew nothing about Politics.
I remember the ducks floating on the River and the creak of the trees.
I threw that silver pendant of 'Our Lady' in the river, and made a pledge that I would find her...my Mother.
They were the quieter years wandering the West End. I always loved it there it was where I escaped to, where I ran to. I had a great time during the early years. I had London friends, German friends that i'd hang out with at their plush flat overlooking the Botanic Gardens then go down to it and lie lazily in the sun then bus it home to the Shire, late afternoon.
sometimes I'd haunt the Galleries just wander through it and find myself in front of a Monet...later. I loved Art, I still do. Or perhaps I would go into the Huntarian early before class and just wander around, in the shop, pick up a pencil and head down.
I lost a hat in the Huntarian Lecture theatre - slate grey, Italian I bought it at the tie-rack, St Enoch's I ended up throwing out the 'matching' scarf. I won a small scholarshop from Queen Margaret Trust then, that christmas. I thought I was going to be an art dealer, move up to the West End rent a flat and live happily ever after.
It all changed in my second year. Something came through. I hadn't thought much about my parents. I was too busy with reading for my degree, but then, the University was a whole lot different then. You could still get a coffee and a conversation at the John McIntyre. The SU bookshop...
I never liked the Hetherington much. There is something about it. It is still locked in colonial 'thought'. But then, I never really thought much about it until I read Toni Morrison. My whole world came crashing down.
Global markets crashed in the summer of 2008. I had decided to take a year out - to think. I had a job to do and I knew at that point, I needed to fight fire with fire.
I spent a year with the OU studying The Classics, Greek and Roman literature, Theatre and material culture.
I returned to Glasgow the following year and dropped slavonics for Archaeology - where I met more friends.
In the end it was all too much and I transferred into the School of Social and Political Science to pursue an MA SocSci.
The rest is History.
I left my old life behind in Feb 2012.
Now, I am worn out. I feel about 50 but I look about 27.
It was then in my life around the Spring of 2013 after making the decision to return to Health Science as a social worker, that I felt the draw back to the Black Sea.
I don't even know why I went,
In the End. I guess something was drawing me there...
I can remember spending hrs just walking Kelvin Grove Park around the Parade; it was like 1870 for me, First Year Art History...the Renaissance, The Romantics, I was just a baby, then. I knew nothing about Politics.
I remember the ducks floating on the River and the creak of the trees.
I threw that silver pendant of 'Our Lady' in the river, and made a pledge that I would find her...my Mother.
They were the quieter years wandering the West End. I always loved it there it was where I escaped to, where I ran to. I had a great time during the early years. I had London friends, German friends that i'd hang out with at their plush flat overlooking the Botanic Gardens then go down to it and lie lazily in the sun then bus it home to the Shire, late afternoon.
sometimes I'd haunt the Galleries just wander through it and find myself in front of a Monet...later. I loved Art, I still do. Or perhaps I would go into the Huntarian early before class and just wander around, in the shop, pick up a pencil and head down.
I lost a hat in the Huntarian Lecture theatre - slate grey, Italian I bought it at the tie-rack, St Enoch's I ended up throwing out the 'matching' scarf. I won a small scholarshop from Queen Margaret Trust then, that christmas. I thought I was going to be an art dealer, move up to the West End rent a flat and live happily ever after.
It all changed in my second year. Something came through. I hadn't thought much about my parents. I was too busy with reading for my degree, but then, the University was a whole lot different then. You could still get a coffee and a conversation at the John McIntyre. The SU bookshop...
I never liked the Hetherington much. There is something about it. It is still locked in colonial 'thought'. But then, I never really thought much about it until I read Toni Morrison. My whole world came crashing down.
Global markets crashed in the summer of 2008. I had decided to take a year out - to think. I had a job to do and I knew at that point, I needed to fight fire with fire.
I spent a year with the OU studying The Classics, Greek and Roman literature, Theatre and material culture.
I returned to Glasgow the following year and dropped slavonics for Archaeology - where I met more friends.
In the end it was all too much and I transferred into the School of Social and Political Science to pursue an MA SocSci.
The rest is History.
I left my old life behind in Feb 2012.
Now, I am worn out. I feel about 50 but I look about 27.
It was then in my life around the Spring of 2013 after making the decision to return to Health Science as a social worker, that I felt the draw back to the Black Sea.
Thursday, 9 May 2013
Preparations
So I finally decided to return to the Black Sea resort of Golden Sands after 25 years.
I needed to get away, and I was looking for somewhere that would have Orthodox Churches and the right food.
Ah, Bulgaria, the last time I went to you I was just a girl, how will it be now?
We booked a Premier Selection Hotel for the week on the beach. I think I'm growing into Riviera holidays.
Bulgaria seemed the best place to start, but I want to see the Adriatic.
Got myself a Jansport duffel 90L on wheels this time...I just cant 'do' carrying holdalls anymore. Might even get a silver case for a longer break next time.
And a great deal on Lev at Thomas Cook.
I'm taking two asda woven bags to bring back pottery. And of course there must be somewhere I can pick up more candles.
It is going to be 74 degrees there, just nice for us.
I needed to get away, and I was looking for somewhere that would have Orthodox Churches and the right food.
Ah, Bulgaria, the last time I went to you I was just a girl, how will it be now?
We booked a Premier Selection Hotel for the week on the beach. I think I'm growing into Riviera holidays.
Bulgaria seemed the best place to start, but I want to see the Adriatic.
Got myself a Jansport duffel 90L on wheels this time...I just cant 'do' carrying holdalls anymore. Might even get a silver case for a longer break next time.
And a great deal on Lev at Thomas Cook.
I'm taking two asda woven bags to bring back pottery. And of course there must be somewhere I can pick up more candles.
It is going to be 74 degrees there, just nice for us.
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